I will always be grateful for whatever spirit moved me to take the risk and create my profile on match. Your smile drew me in to take a closer look and including the furry smile with Sam did not hurt either. As I glanced at all the words on your profile I judged. It had quickly become my scrolling rule that men who wrote too much on their page were maybe, just too much for me. I broke that rule almost immediately with you as something nudged me to stop being an asshole. As I started reading I could not stop. Reader, introvert, Utah, sounds interesting, Agnostic, hmmmmmm, well, maybe not (insert judgment followed by a harder nudge from my angels) then I kept reading. Wow, this guy really knows himself I thought. What does it mean to know yourself so well and then share your discoveries IN WRITING? Yikes!!! Warning, Red Flag, Abort Mission and return to hiding! If I take myself back I believe I did not write to you right away but continued to see your profile a few more times. The last time I braved the read again and I got to the end you mentioned something about if the reader had gotten that far then blah blah blah. It was a clue a hidden gem for me. That was my IN, you had given me a conversation starter and so I took the risk and moved my Pawn towards what I thought was your King. I knew this would for sure end up in another denial, lack luster conversation or worse an invested connection that was a dead end.
I wrote “Yep, I got that far and appreciate the transparency. Great profile and cute too :).” Closed my app as quick as possible like I was being caught. Your response “Hi there. Great profile and handsome! and thanks for reading through mine. You are a handsome man”.
Wait, what? Not a move for the King, Queen or even Bishop this was the move from another Pawn. Looking back at it now it was a simple response, non-committal but kind. It was obviously enough for me to open the flood gates as I wrote a short story quickly after. You then shared more of your story and even shared details that were beyond small talk, it was not sexual, not removed but like you were a real person. You were off work until Tuesday, going to Sundance with friends, it would take 45 minutes to get there, you were excited to be going “somewhere…and this time I get to take my dog Sam with me”. You were sharing, you were responding and carrying on like old friends.
I thought for sure I would not hear from you but when I received that picture of you with your fisherman’s net sweater my heart felt something. You remembered me and you made first contact that day, it felt so wonderful to be thought of as I had been carrying on at only thinking of others for so long. I made it my mission to write messages to others, to bake a cake, be kind, to look for anyone struggling so I could help in any way. Somehow that was a slow cure for all the pain I was feeling. Not at that moment though, you had made my day and I am certain I went to bed that night feeling some warmth.
So much happened from that point, the messages began flying, the morning text, the phone calls, facetimes and then Thanksgiving. When you mentioned going to Scottsdale for the holiday I opened the map on my phone before doing anything just to be sure I knew it was under five hours from here. I judged myself quicker than you can imagine for even having the thought that you would want to meet in person. I must have only cared a little because the invitation came pretty quickly after. There was a flash of thoughts before I invited you to come stay at the house but being a master of ignoring feelings or caution came in pretty handy at the time. When you accepted the invitation I was so friggin excited. The kids were going to be out of town and I had this window of time where I could just relax, take care of my own needs, do something for me and that meant a visit that would change my life forever.
Someday I will take a moment to write down the next events that happened but for now I want to focus on what having you in my life has done. You started by taking the smallest chisel to the harden exterior that was formed around my heart. The pieces have been breaking apart little by little with care from your spirit. At times you have jumped in like a professional mason which sent me running to my house of straw but each time led me by hand back to my safe house with care. You created moments to bring pain to the surface with music and stillness. As tears ran down my cheeks you held me, this brought more salty drips as I had never felt so loved and cared for. You have sat with me in moments trying to break free from the pain while saying words that meant nothing, then scrambling the letters and sometimes getting to the root of the wound. You have offered your ear and your advice which is not always received as hoped or expected but you always follow up as my partner and my best friend. You have shown patience and softness, love and light. I have seen your fire and fear too. These heated moments remind me that we are real people in a fight for who is right and sometimes we are just in flight. There are moments I think of where I ran from you or us and it makes me feel sad. I want to be all that you need which I know is not possible but it is okay to pretend for just a little while sometimes. It must be time to go back to read up on interdependence 🙂
I have spent all morning writing about us and feel I could continue all day but the clock ticks on this Sunday so I will close for now. The story of us Nicky has a rich future and my heart melts at the thought of growing our care and love for one another.
Love, James
The Kindness Storm 