Wanting

This morning I wake with the feeling that I am unsettled. The readiness to stop the flash of constant images. The reminders of material temptations that pop up all around my feed. The pictures of people from the past that would be better suited thrown in a box in the garage. I am not in need of escaping them all but more annoyed at the presence of what they represent. The faces at the gym on social media and any trivial energy that loom from it all. The child like, superficial and meaningless priorities that I see in some of these people and platforms are not the state I want to exist in. “Flip it James, go ahead you got this” Today I will respect my feeling of wanting something different, something more valuable, more powerful.

Why am I not okay being unsettled and that I want something different? Is it not okay? If what I want is something that will bring me joy, contentment and peace then I am going to be okay with wanting.

I am aware that this wanting is centered around something I have that is far away. I have found something beautiful, a treasure that people said would come, and he did. For this, I am grateful, I am excited and yet I am still impatient because, well thats just me. Yes there were (and most likely still are) fears, walls, baggage and uncertainty, all parts that after 45 and 48 years of life are to be expected. I will also give credit to our age, as that has also brought logic, emotional intelligence, openness, respect and physical intimacy that is on another level. I have had multiple chances to experience with him what I never knew possible and I want more. So I will put into words what I want rather than what I don’t, that is the exercise.

I want to be moved by emotional connection. I want to see natures beauty in every direction. I want health and to be powered by food from the earth and also a little candy on the side. I want freedom from wanting more. I want safety in what I have. I want to hold the hand of my man and walk on the sand at the beach. I want to lay each night on his chest, wrap my arms around his body and wake with his arms around mine. I want to be together each day to build what will be the second half of our lives. To share coffee in the morning, share details of the day in the evening, to be completely engulfed in conversation until the sun comes up one day and to retire early one night when the day has got the better of us. I want to be together together and be alone together. I want to see him continue to grow, to feel safe and just okay to feel. I want to hold his hand when its right, hold his head when he is sick and his heart when he is sad. I want the same. I want to continue to grow. I want to feel respected. I want curiosity in my life, feelings, hopes, dreams and realities. I want to dream and live, to laugh and to love. To share my love, our love with others. To be be giving and attentive to each other and others. To open the door when we can and to close it when necessary.

I want to be me as me with no pleasing in mind and to remember the difference between kind rather than nice. To have visions of light release my minds imaginary control and put darkness in its place like wart or a toad. Allow feelings to flow freely and leave shame in the past. To fill this chapter with spiritual growth from all teachings worth my time, have philosophical conversation, share meditation and prayer. To laugh and giggle until my stomach hurts and skip in a park barefoot with no care of who sees me feeling free like child.

There is so much here, so many thoughts which makes up for some messing writing but still respecting me and what I want, I am okay with it all.