I did not write much here this year but I have continued to use words ask myself questions and found others words to ponder on. I will add them here as memories.
11/7/21 If you do not heal you will bleed on someone who had nothing to do with it.
Did I at some point remove emotion from all traumatic situations to prevent making choices that could hurt me?
11/25/2020
My blessing
Mike and Cindy November 25, 2020
In Cindy’s front room I sat in a chair with her by my side and Mike behind me, his hands placed on my head from behind.
He spoke about me being kind, talented, gifted. About giving me clarity in direction, strength and awareness. He spoke about my challenges. He spoke in reassurance of the power of God himself and confidence in his direction for me. He spoke about the kids.
When he began to speak there was a sensitivity in his voice I’ve never heard Mike have, it was clear emotion of sadness and almost like my pain or sadness from God this would be happening. I felt the spirit almost grieve for me. I heard Cindy’s emotions do the same, I cried too for a short moment and then almost like a switch it stopped. I became super aware at that moment that me stopping h was so abrupt that it shocked me.
I believe there was talk of my energy or kindness to all those around me.
Tonight I felt tired but relaxed, I feel at peace but aware.
I recall Mike said that the Lord would lead you by the hand and give you answers to your prayers he talked about the net of goodness you cast around the world and so many were fortunate to call you friend as you are loved by so many including your Heavenly father…
Therapy Notes
July 29
Look back at why you react a certain way but what you do with the information is the next step and important.
Create moments with the kids. Invest in them.
Value my own time, space and it’s okay to share that. I said when thinking of the type of person I want to be with that they should like alone time, independent so that they were getting what they want.
Flip this, what if this is was the version of me I shared. I like alone time, I need space, lots of attention, reassurance.
Don’t just serve others to get the reassurance back.
March 11
Kids
Be inquisitive
Ask questions when behavior is erratic
Give them time sometimes a half a day
Don’t just demand the new expectations abd energy
Be the new energy and create that space in myself
Their kids that’s what they are going to be like
Their feeling is not the same as mine
They have not been on a growing path
Questions
Help me understand what your feeling
I don’t understand so what is it
I’m super curious to know that part of you
It’s about them becoming them
No disrespect is not okay but then just try to understand
Take back the energy to yourself
Maybe I get scared the kids won’t respect me or I’ll get taken advantage of
If the list is long for justifying then
Flyer thru actions to see if I’m being true to myself who I want to be my beliefs
Normally truth is only – percent if they are not disclosing
Set up the boundary abd expectation
Talk with him
Holidays and kids we are doing this BUT we are not okay and this will be dealt with
Safety to me looks like
Someone who genuinely cares about my happiness
Works on themself
Is honest with me and threself
21 years James
When o explained fighting the other side
How it takes him longer to process
If someone truly cares they will be right up there, what do I need to do, how are we let’s move make decisions
———————
Sunday 13
Asked him to talk see where he was at abd ask me any questions he wants to
He surfaced he spoke of Why he had made decisions that he did. He never took care of his own self love, his parents, he is private because all of his family is.
I shared that it has been difficult watching hi in pain and trying to manage this on his own. I wanted to help but needed to take care of myself. He went in to how he did not share with anyone because he didn’t want to ruin thanksgiving and he is not like me sharing with others “not that he knows who knows” He said he did not need others to feel bad for him. Stoic maybe. I mentioned I reached out as I was alone and needed kindness, support and encouragement from others and from safe family who care about our family. He agreed when I mentioned he has always had walls up in protection. We talked about shame.
He spoke about how he has now realized why. NEVER SPEAKING THE WORDS LIE, CHEAT.
Needing approval, selfie’s, reassurance but never sleeping with someone, massages and sex messaging.
He would normally revert back to words like “it was never about you, never me not loving you, never about the kids”. Which is when I mentioned “I know, it was about you, your needs, your wants and fullfillment”.
I shared about thanksgiving and how difficult getting to that point it was, that I was prepared to spend the day maybe night with his family but once he stayed out all night abd lied to the kids and me about it that it became really clear I needed my own protection.
He said “ he felt alone, was hurt, that I had said we were separated, he needed to be with people who knew nothing about his situation “. He said he wanted to get back our relationship.
I asked if he thought that his actions represented a man trying to prove his words? Staying out all night? He agreed no abd then went in to more reasons he felt he did it. Nervous about his parents asking nervous about who knew. He told the story again of the night, drinks, back to the house, Rob invited him in for food and they talked and he remembered all of the details and had shared with me them. I said “until 8:30 in the morning?. He said “I don’t remember what time it was” I said “ but you remember all that happened?.
He said “ he said he was sorry and that’s all he can do” he knows better now why he did it. He wants to not be secretive, now has a phone the kids can look at or me whenever, does not want secrets.
I then shared my thoughts
This has hurt me so much, I’ve been and am in pain. I know that since we moved here in 2010 he has changed the relationship rules according to his own needs. That since 2010 when he had his first “massage” I’ve been forgiving him. That this situation would be very different had he come to me and opened up about his indiscretions. That in March when I uncovered my long time suspicions he promised to change and didt.
At this point he said he had not done anything else, to which I pointed out his ongoing messaging with guys and talks of meeting up in July. He said oh yah, but not slept with anyone.
I shared how much I care about our family, him, our kids, us and myself. I then shared I just can’t be in this type of relationship with him.
He immediately walked up.
I told him that the all along the thought of us not having our relationship was more painful than the hurt his lying to me had been. Now I need to take care of me, our kids abd hopefully us.
He said there is no us.
I shared that is not the way it is or has to be. I care about him, I still care about our family abd it will always be there even if it looks different.
He said okay if that’s what you choose.
I said “ you are right and that sucks, I’ve know since August it was my choice, it sucks that I was put here by his actions to make this choice alone, on my own” I said I just don’t see your actions in line with your words.
I want peace and new start for all of us. To be in a family that is loving, respectful and good. I deserve that
He said he needed water abd started walking away I said “I don’t think we should tell the kids right now” “ I need time to digest this” as he was walking out I said again about the kids he said back “ why not, you probably already told them”
He then came back and asked “okay what”
I said I do not think right now is a good time to tell the kids and we need to let it digest, think a couple days and then make a plan.
He said “ okay is that all, do you need anything else”?
————-
12/14
Huge issue started with Rocco
Name calling over email to people
Power struggle between him and me. Disrespect and threats of killing
Lucca was very affected Too
I tried taking with Brian to tell him we need to get our shot together for the kids the energy is bad silence is worse. His response was this was my fault, my choice, I’m miserable, I have no job which makes me full of misery. Because if my choice it is hurting the kids
This is the night Lucca told me it felt like everything was falling apart.
——
12/16
I worked at Tod’s office had the car. Brian text asking if I was indeed working. I did not answer . When I arrived home he was there. Mad I didt respond so short with an communication. Kids were home so I attempted to make conversation. Car needed gas and he was going to get Lucca so I told him. He said “well I have no money” I told him I would transfer money.
Later as I’m laying in bed with Lucca he comes in “thought you were transferring money” I sad I thought I did. He said “ a measly $100, that’s money” then he goes in to how I have money in my UNemploymrnt account that I was unaware of.
Later after the kids went to bed I heard
“Your gonna go to some job and leave our kids home to make a hundred dollars” you don’t respond to my text what if there is an emergency, you don’t care about the kids, your out galavanting around town, it’s not a real job,
If you had a real job it would be different.
————
Kara dec 17
Leave the old stuff behind habits too.
If you want to move forward it’s not important
If the old habits don’t make you feel good throw it out
Business Meeting
Planning, scheduling, finances
Share with kids
They want to know wgat they can expect
Increases stability
Word Magic
When there is something off like the word forgiveness as what they mean by that
Their definition may look different
It gives you time to understand and slow down
It also forces the other person to be clear and not jump around
What you see is what your going to get
——————-//
21 December
Initiated communication, schedule with Brian clarified our forgiveness differences.
Lots of push and pull from Brian.
The kids were acting strange I was Xmas preparing like crazy
Cane home after store which took a long time to slot if tension.
Rocco disrespect had been ongoing
Things got heated abd I lost my cool told Rocco how much I was over his disrespect and could not deal any more.
No support from Brian.
When it got bad Brian would dissaoear
Finally told Rocco no tv and then Brian let him watch tv took the chord told him to take a break
He cane in my room started taking my stuff
I said he needed to leave abd go to his space he took my backpack I grabbed it
He shoved me took me to a headlock
I ended up calling police as he had threatened to kill me the week before
Brian sat on the couch entire time did not even talk to police
I picked up Rocco next day from juvi
He continued to laugh at the situation and disrespect.
Brian asked to talk about it
His general view was that Rocco and I had issues
He allowed Rocco to be pretty disrespectful until I shared my own opinion on the matter
We went to Harbour house and Brian joined us. I feel once he heard me talking to the intake people he could see the real concern was for Rocco abd not myself.
After the appointment and Rocco still being awful to me Brian finally joined in as conparenting. This helped Rocco a ton.
We sat as a family that night sharing our three highs and three lows. Brian shared how sad he was that he did wgat he did to
Christmas was over and
Working
Money
Push and pull
———-
Personal Positive Equation
How to kill a narcissist
Logistics
Joint petition
———-
Jan 20
Making decisions with fear makes us unable to make the best decision.
My fear comes in these moments of I insecurities
Changes
When anger is present I retreat to feeling and not words
Lean in to the change
Notice what you feel when the energy shifts to his anger
Notice what your getting from the other person
Am I willing to take that on or is it something I could do without
March 2020 Yogi Bryan session
Energized
Clear without thought
Balanced
I watched me as a young boy go through the steps of our life. The good and the hard. I watched my face be amazed, scared, joyful, adventurous and sad. I was with me and was protecting me during the times. I felt strong being able to protecct me, I felt brave, courageous, safer. It was me all along keeping me safe. I had no need for anyone else to protect me. I was my protector, I was was going to be alright , I am alright. In better than alright I’m stronger, I’m safer, in prouder, in happier. I’m open, I’m loving, I’m able to show love, I feel safe showing love, I have love to give, I have light.
I’m steady, I’m earthed I’m powerful yet light I’m a force yet gentle I’m full of breath it’s slow it’s heavy try effortless
The Kindness Storm 