So it looks as though I stopped recording at some point and question myself. Was there too much happening? Was I lost in operations somewhere? Did I want to run and hide from what just happened? YES, YES & YES! Was I even aware thats what was happening? NO!
The lost version of me during some of the days in the last year are truly on my mind today and I am not saddened by them or disappointed that I did not take time to write as I am still fucking amazing! How the heck did I do this? Did I really just come over that mountain? I recently said to someone “I am no longer at the bottom looking up” and I truly feel this way. I am standing at the top looking over at the other peak saying “good job james”.
The breaking of the family got worse and the mud slinging was felt more times than once. I struggled to keep my footing more than once and as this happened I kept trying to take control of my situation, many times in ways that looking back could have been different. For example with the kids, I demanded they respect the house, clean, respect me, be here, follow my rules and over compensated when it came to talking about what was going on with them. At the time I was so lost and hurt I needed them to FOLLOW where I was, on my path of healing which made me miss where they were. I honestly have no idea if I could have done it any differently because I was out of my mind and body more times than once. Trying to manage another adult who was acting like a hurt child himself exhausted me and caused more pain than not. I whirled around my house like a friggin martha stewart cartoon because for sure if I had control over this house and how it looked I would be HAPPIER, BALANCED and OKAY. I am laughing as I write this because it could not be further from the truth but I needed to control something. In addition to this I continued to GYM six days a week and most times 7 days a week. SWIMMING< YOGA< WALKING_WEIGHTS. Another form of controlling my life. I still continue this recipe but with a different intention. One outlet that served me very well was church, I have pretty much gone every Sunday for a year and cried on many occasions, I felt weak, depleted and this provided comfort, care and safety. I swear every week the message was written for me. It was around October that I finally went to church and sat proudly witnessing the message and felt as though it was not for me and I was actually there to help someone else.
In regards to hope, I have had it and lost it more times than I want to admit. The hope was about having some cordial friendship with my ex and to co-parent in peace. HA HA HA! It has been extremly eye opening to my ability to fool myself in order to prove myself. Can we say living on a YOYO? Well, games over and I ain’t playin. I am pretty resilient but I am also done putting my dreams in front of reality.
Now, the lesson! That is funny right? The lessons keep coming and coming. I did take control in October finally when it became clear that I was fighting for myself but had no experience playing divorce lawyer. My dear angels encouraged and supported me to seek legal advice and I set up with one of the best. When I met with him the first day he said I had good judicial karma, I almost cried. Then I cried again because it felt like help that I needed for a long time. Took me out of the drivers seat I had been doing blindly. I must have listened to Sara Barrelleis live album 1000 times that month. KING OF ANYTHING, UNCHARTED, BRAVE, every night walking an additional 3 miles to take the steam off, to build myself up, to feel like a fighter and not a victim. SO TIRED OF GIVING UP and GAMES!
Being a fighter I had always connected to negativity and wanted nothing to do with it. Standing up for myself has never been an option and when I had I would always come back crawling to make the other person feel better. This is still a work in progress. I needed to find the intelligent way to fight back, I seriously have felt little anger this past year but I had to channel something to get to the point to fight. I settled with I AM WORTH IT! THE KIDS ARE WORTH IT! Stop letting anyone push you around, your not the kid getting bullied, you are a grown ass adult and are smart. ANYWAY, it appears to be working.
So many good things have happened and are continuing to come my way and I will write when I do and wont when I dont!
The Kindness Storm 