His Army

Date: February 19,2021

Dear Friends:

A year ago I was running the marathon of life and looking forward with a grateful heart. I was not in a dream; there were no big moments, no dream job, vacations or anything that appeared to be outstanding by the good ole facebook world. What I did have was a full heart.  I had been getting up every day at 5, hitting the gym to start the day off right, driving back home at sunrise seeing beauty in another day God had given us. I would get home to hug the kids when they woke up, tell them to give all they could that day, learn something new and yes, get their homework and chores done. My husband of 20 years would drive me to work (we had one car), we would chat, give hugs and love and off I would go. One car was more difficult for him but truly I appreciated the time together. The planning we had to do around it and the fact we were saving money eased a lot of anxiety.  Each day when I finished at 5 he would pick me up and life would revolve the things that I learned brought me joy. Picking up kids, dropping him back at work, making dinner, homework time, walking the dog, cleaning our home, listening to the kids stories, picking him back up from work, putting the kids to bed, eating our dinner together, laughing at our nonsense TV shows and then calling it a day.

Compared to some chapters in our lives this version of life was the normal we set out to have for now.   I was not traveling the world like so many years before, no Christmas in Paris or Rio, the kids were not swamped with activities as the budget would not allow, he was not getting some new job, it was all just pretty standard. It was a one pair of shoes for everyone Wal-Mart grocery year and again, I was at peace with that. I had finally reached a point in my life to be at peace with what was being offered to us in our lives rather than needing more to be happy.

It was one afternoon after COVID hit that I realized I had appreciation for where I was.  I spent this afternoon cleaning up the garage and got distracted by a box of letters from 1999. The letters were from when we were just getting to know each other, we spent a few months just writing as I was on a job at the time. We were kids; it was a simple time and full of pure appreciation for one another. Our dreams, aspirations and curiosities covered the pages of cute stationary with stickers he wrote on and my letters were written on sheet music from the project I was working on. I pulled these letters out, brought in to share with the kids and to relive some moments with him.  I left the letters out, as I was sure he would want to go through them. After a day or so the letters had not been touched and I realized I actually had been a soloist in this moment meant for a duet. After blinking a few times it reminded me of so many recent moments I felt I had been driving this car on my own. I would stop the car, open the door, even reverse the car at times but he would never get in.  It seemed strange but also typical behavior as I drove most of the years.

It was shortly after this that other things came to the surface and explained the soloist moment I had recently experienced. It was a shock, life had changed forever and the months after would be spent in hours of thought, conversation, chances, therapy and prayer.  Also, the months after would be the time that God started putting the final pieces of this together for me. He made it very clear on more than one occasion what persons he had brought in to my life to do his work, to lift me up and keep my head and heart in the right place. In these moments I felt the spirit regularly but had no idea how they would play out for the future.

When Gods answers on the next steps were finally clear to me it was followed by resistance, denial, worry and confusion. All of this was brought on by me.  My well practiced behavior of trying to control what I did not like or want to face. Was this truly happening to me? How is this possible? I can’t give up on him on our family and all we have worked for. I am incapable, I am supposed to be the example, ME! ME! ME! These moments were brief but I have to admit their presence and how difficult they made life.

It was the height of all madness, we had made it through Halloween (barely), Thanksgiving was not together as years past normal and we had Christmas and New Years in front of us. At this time I had been visiting with friends who have known me for some time, I shared my story and was offered a blessing. During this blessing, God wept for me. I had been numb, unable to feel and he knew this. He took my pain and not only felt it for me but showed me in the flesh of another man that he was taking my burden, truly another life changing moment and one I can share later.  Following this is when I completely turned it over to God to manage, to guide me and I promised to listen and act on his word. I was not driving alone nor singing a solo, he showed me that. He surrounded me by a band of angels; his army and you are part of that. Once I accepted God as my driver the road trip has never been so easy.

This move has been one of the hardest decisions in my life. My vision of our new home only had a couple boxes to check when I started, they were simple. I wanted a home that was peaceful, safe and provided shelter. In my dreams, I wanted a place that had these things in addition to a home that was comfortable, warm, full of life, serenity, 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, clean and familiar for the kids. I am here to say that our home is all of that plus more. You have helped fill it with light, balance and so much more than I ever could have expected. The open hearted pouring of kindness has been over flowing my cup, a simple thank you seems like not enough. What I really want to do is share a hug, a laugh, and my home, which is what I plan to do in the future; when that time comes I hope you can be here.

I wanted to give you a glimpse in to the challenges of the last year with this letter and not to spread negativity but to share that it has been awful, I needed help, I needed your help. I am so grateful and I am confident that I will have the opportunity to do the same for someone else in the future. Maybe you know someone else that is in need of help. I am here; I am full of energy and love to share. Please reach out if you think I could be of help to you or anyone. It is in helping others that we can truly feel a part of Gods motion and plan. It was not easy being on this side of the plan but I know I will be a better part of his army now because of it and look forward to putting myself to work.

With a grateful and full heart, thank you.

Sincerely, James