It was meant to be the final push, the gathering of the rest of our stuff, my stuff, oh whoever stuff it is anymore I don’t know but he and the kids were heading up to see family and I thought it was the best time to do it. It actually had been my original move date in my mind since January, I thought it was going to be easier on the kids to not be around the moving energy. That obviously did not happen as this little gem of a place opened up in the middle of the worst days or what I thought was going to be the worst.

So as the kids left, it kind of hit me in a hard way but I was able to push that aside for a day or so and made my plan to go to the house and start sorting what was left. This items in the house had all been on a joint petition file I shared with him weeks earlier. There was a verbal understanding and in fact even encouragement on his part to take some specific items that were in addition to my list. If I think back it was after one of his blowups that he came to this understanding, was peaceful and giving but who was I kidding? This fleeting 12 or 24 hour period was one of two things; payback for acting crazy or preparation for rebranding himself.

It would only be one day after they left that I would start to get messages from him regarding money that had been deposited to our accounts.The money we received had always come in for the kids and I had made a plan that I would open a savings account for them as all the years prior we never did save for them. I always wanted to but there seemed to always be a reason we couldn’t or a bill that had been unpaid, never enough money or things. So in this joint petition it was one part I put in, that this money would be take for their savings and the rest to me so I could survive, get on my feet and start a life. He would not be responsible for anything else financially to me. Well, wouldn’t you know the minute this money came in he was all over it. “I never promised anything, this is for the kids, I should get half,” blah, blah, blah. His conversation texts turned in to control, then anger, threats and eventually I stopped messaging.

The task for the weekend needed to stay in focus as I knew it was the last times I would be in that house. I went in, the house was heavy and for me so sad. Pictures off the wall, no family memories left and just so heavy. I moved what I could and had friends help me with the larger items. Some friends that through all of this have been a blessing, who have thought and prayed for our family to heal, to repair to reunite even though eventually it was clear this was not going to be fixed. They supported the kids too. This all would come at a cost for them as he would start to try and drag them down in the mud soon. That weekend was full of tears, heavy heart, saying goodbye, and being pretty much at a loss by Saturday evening. It was as I sat in the new house with my friends that I was offered my second blessing. I knew it had been coming and responded so fast when was asked, first with acceptance and then immediately after I followed with “maybe just a prayer”. I felt almost unworthy, like a failure, and I had a blessing a couples months earlier, I probably should wait, I don’t want to spend my wishes all in one year 🙂 These friends had become people I could say whatever was going through my mind at any time and I knew it was safe. It had always been that they loved me for me and I truly felt that so having a mini meltdown was perfectly normal. Once I said this outloud I also knew that it was indeed the time to say yes, to accept the blessing. My friend also said that it is not like God gives you only so many of these, you need it when you need it, it is always there for the taking. I laughed out loud at my own childlike thinking (of course crying inside out embarrassment and need) there was a desperation present and it was from a story my friend had told me a few days prior. Her husband had said to her one time “if it is difficult, then we probably need to go”. I immediately prepared for the blessing, got my bench out, washed my hands, walked over and sat down, all in a matter of two seconds. The choice had been made, I put the ego aside and opened up to receive his love.

This blessing was not like the one before. I remember a few words of hope but most of all it was physical. My body had been tired, stressed and had returned to its numbness over the past couple days. When my friend laid his hands on my head the vibration began. The waves began moving through my body upward. It was like a waterfall but moving from the earth through my feet into my legs, stomach, chest, throat, chin, lips, cheeks, eyes, ears and out the top. I then began to notice, not my physical body but what I would consider my spirit to lay back, like I was being spiritually laid to rest by his hands. It kept coming over and over, eventually I would feel my arms begin to lay open up and lean in to the help. I have no recollection to how long this was but when we said “amen” I was sitting back in my peaceful posture, the one I always end yoga in. It is a little hunched over at the shoulders, head down, tummy relaxed and face still. Once on my feet again, hugs all around and my friends left. I was so hungry, like famished. I ate and drank. The food tasted so full of flavor, I had lemonade which is something I never make but happen to earlier that day, the flavor was unreal. My senses had been brought to life again. My physical body born again. It was the closest feeling to what I would imagine being baptized is like although I picture being baptized in a better state of mind. Most likely that is not how it works, I am sure there is super drama happening when people decide to get baptized but it really does not matter. It was my own, in my home, on my bench, with his angels.

The next day in church the message was “the God beside you is bigger that the wall in front of you”. I was like “what, put that on repeat and let it play mister!” I needed to keep hearing that as the days ahead were about to get hairy.