Day 1

I am not even sure if I can write about what happened after making my discovery. Someday the detail comes flowing in but I am not sure that is what I am taking away from it right now. It is too fresh still. What I can say is it opened up a box in my soul that had been fighting to be free for a long time. This box had been hidden away for years, it had been shelved under pain, weighted by doubt, fear and the voices of darkness that I allowed in. I had been living as though I only deserved a small piece of joy, that I was unworthy of all the joy God had to offered. I am not saying that I was miserable because I experienced joy, happiness, laughter and all of that was genuine in the moment but there was always a piece of me that did not truly connect to allowance of the good. Somehow I had cheated life, snuck around the barrier and would be found out. That all the good I had been doing was somehow preconceived. I guess I even questions still if that is true. Are my intentions really good? When I do good, do I expect action in return? What makes me worthy of kindness? How do I deserve what kindness is coming at me and when I say coming at me I mean it literally.